LIVING! IT'S NOT ALL BREAD AND CIRCUSES

I'm well into Chapter Ten in rewrite of Angie's Choice. Next, I make myself vulnerable by sharing a secret. 

I've never been more content as a writer as I currently am. I've found a home in Vancouver, Washington with side trips to Portland included. This contentment comes after decades of second guessing myself and nasty run ins with the man I met every morning in the mirror. Part of this change in my psyche is that I no longer judge myself, my work or the work of others harshly. I fully enjoy attending readings and listening to what each writer has to say and the mingling afterwards. I feel the joy of being with other writers.

The bookish person I love & who loves me.

A large part of my contentment can be attributed to being in love, and the ability to accept that I'm loved in return. People often misjudge egocentric people like me with my three divorces. I'm sure some have thought I was incapable of love, but my experience is that I was not able to feel loved myself. Can you imagine how it feels when you imagine you aren't "good enough" to be worthy of love? Those doubts are born in the childhood experiences of many struggling people. What we become is not always a pretty picture.

I'll never forget a question my counselor asked near the end of the two years when I was in weekly counseling. He asked me if I thought that [name withheld to protect the innocent] loved me. I said, "Sure." Then he hit me between the eyes with the kicker question, "Yes, but do you feel that love?" I knew exactly what he meant and, at that moment, I experienced the big hole that had lived inside me for the greater part of my life. Getting to that moment is often frightening. It's no wonder many turn back before the moment arrives. The process toward wellness had commenced for me. It's only fully blossoming now, and I'm 75 years old, as you all know.